Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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