Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
