i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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