I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
