if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
