Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
