Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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