i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
