The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
