I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
