i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
