I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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