I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
