We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
