well I can't set my house on fire every night
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She told me I should be a condom model.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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