I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
be right there i have to get my cape
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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