how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
True strength comes from lack of pants
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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