so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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