Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
