this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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