You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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