Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
