I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
