i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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