Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
