We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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