My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
