How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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