so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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