Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
