Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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