somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
