I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
