Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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