My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
