Will you blow on my dice?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My life is pants optional.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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