just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
