Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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