this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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