My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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