did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
