woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
