i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
organizing the empties. That sober.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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