The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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