i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
