I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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