those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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