so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
