remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
