Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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